How are men like parking spots?

All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

I saw my wife's face in the mirror this morning and it scared me.

My wife told me to go and get something that makes her look hot.

More Dirty Dad Jokes

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

I want you inside me.

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum.